#1 Fundamental Fear

What if who I am isn’t who I need to be to get what I want?  This belief, that at the core of my being I am flawed and my hopes and dreams are unattainable because I do not posses the qualities of those people who get what they want and do live their dreams.  I’ve come down with a case (yet again) of magical thinking. That there is some sort of way to be which is outside myself, or way to do things which is not like mine that I need to adhere to and morph myself into being because who I am just isn’t the right person to have what I so deeply desire.  I haven’t had the right education, I don’t have the right people around me, I don’t think the right way to create abundance, I didn’t have the right upbringing etc. etc. .  I suppose this is how many enslaved people must have felt. That no matter how strong their desire is the constructs of society and things outside of themselves will keep them in forever yearning.  This must be purgatory. This is torture.  What if it’s true and my whole life is for nothing but to be in a constant state of unrequited love if you will?  So then I remember this is a thought.  It’s just a thought.  A very powerful one but still just a thought.  I think of all the uneducated non-business degree people who have achieved their dreams. Colonel Sanders,  Oprah Winfrey (grew up poor), Lady Gaga (dropped out of college), Rosalie Mera (dropped out of school at 11 to become a seamstress).

On the other hand I say “Why would God be so cruel to insight such desire within me only to keep me from it because I lack the mental acuity or perspective to reach my goal?”    I do some Byron Katie 4 questions on it and I say to myself, “What if who I am is exactly who I need to be to get what I want?”  And for a moment there is relief, space and ease.  I relax and let myself be ok with who I am, the education I have received, the people I’m around and the things I want out of life if only for a moment this is enough.  Besides I’m not dead yet so there is still a chance.